Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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