It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
