her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
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