hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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