I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
