I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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