Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
