i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
