OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
