sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
