I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
