I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
