Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
