Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
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