Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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