I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
