i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
