Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
