sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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