fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
