All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
