Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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