I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
