At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
