He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
