just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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