When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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