You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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