So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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