Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
