i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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