I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
