By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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