Already got asked if we're dating
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
