I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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