i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
