there's paper in my vomit.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
