Non-Jews are for practice
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
