Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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