his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
