look no pants
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
