Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
