Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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