So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
