Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
