i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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