; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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