She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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