The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Randomize
