Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
