so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
