you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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