If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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