She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
