Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
