Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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