you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
