i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
That accounts for only three of the penises
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
