I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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