Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
