I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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